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Ninja Burger Stories By You

Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2001 21:05:43 +0000
From: Mr. *** [*********]
Subject: Seibei Fujiwara-san's Delivery 

In the darkness above the rooftops, Seibei Fujiwara-San crouched motionless 
in the dim half light of the city lights bounced from clouds.   There was a 
light misting of rain, and some fog, but it was a quiet night.  Seibei 
Fujiwara-san was at peace with himself and the world.  He had been making 
deliveries all night, and trying to bringing honor to himself and 
Ninja-Burger.  Also, he had been tipped well.  All was right, except for the 
constantly nagging failure from his past.  He did not dwell on this however.

Fujiwara nimbly leaped across an alley and rolled silently into the shadow 
of an elevator housing.  He briefly adjusted his sword and tightened his 
wrist gauntlets.  Catlike, he crept to the edge of the building and glanced 
over.  Below he saw a quiet street.  A few cars driving through this mostly 
residential block, back to the main thoroughfares.  Only a few streets away 
was Broadway, the main drag in this part of Queens.  Fujiwara needed to get 
across it unseen, and make his final delivery before returning to the dojo.

Fujiwara cleared his mind of distractions and opened himself to the night.  
He sensed the hidden rhythms that pulsed through the city, and began his 
run.  He was attuned to all of variables that made up the world as we know 
it.  Winds, weather, motion and stillness, light and dark.  He was silent 
and unseen, faster than the eye, quieter than an empty temple.

In one smooth motion he had readied his grappling hook as he approached the 
last building before he would have to cross eight floors above a busy 
street.  He swung it with the easy grace of a child with a favorite yo-yo 
and watched arc over the traffic below.  He judged perfectly the time to 
pull gently back on the rope and secure the hook tightly and with a minimum 
of noise.  The soft clank of metal on stone was covered by the honking of 
the horns below, and was heard by no one.

No one save Izumi Nakamaru.

As Fujiwara nimbly raced along the rope, he felt a sudden wrongness in the 
pattern of the world.  He executed a swift cartwheel and grabbed the rope in 
both hands and swung around once, in so doing avoided the arrow racing 
towards his heart.  It barely missed him, enough that Fujiwara could feel 
the wind of it's passing.  He flipped up and onto the rooftop and quickly 
found himself having to avoid another deadly missile.  He snapped his body 
to the left, leaning back and in the smooth motion of one picking a feather 
from the air grasped the arrow in his right hand.  His muscles did not 

From the shadows across the rooftop stepped a dark figure.  Fujiwara 
narrowed his eyes as he recognized the man's slightly unsteady gait.  That 
mild limp caused by a leg fracture from three years ago.  He knew that break 
well, for it was he himself who had shattered the leg with a crippling blow. 
Ordinary men might have still been using a cane to move around.  But not 
this man.  Not Izumi Nakamaru.

Izumi Nakamaru was a deadly killer, a dog without honor who delighted in the 
slaughter of others and rejoiced in the pain of his victims.  He was all 
things that ninja should never fall to.  He had also been fired Ninja Burger 
those three years ago.  He had been caught thieving from the dojo, and was 
ordered to commit seppuku.  It was Fujiwara who had caught him and Fujiwara 
who had been sent to administer the beheading, at the suicide.  But when the 
moment came, Nakamaru rose up and struck at Fujiwara.  Only Fujiwara's 
mastery of the Two Spatula Technique saved him, he shattered Nakamaru's leg 
but was unguarded on his left and could not deflect a dart Nakamaru had 
cunningly concealed in his hand.  It cost him his eye.  Nakamaru had never 
intended to restore his honor in death, but rather was interested only in 
vengeance.  He rendered Fujiwara half blind and escaped by detonating a 
small yet powerful bomb.

Fujiwara had been prepared to die by his own hand for his failure to destroy 
Nakamaru, when his hand was stayed by his master.  His only hope of 
restoring his honor was to kill Nakamaru.  In the meantime, he might 
continue his service to Ninja Burger as a delivery ninja.

And now three years later, Fujiwara stood face to face with his worst enemy, 
the rogue ninja who lived beyond honor, Izumi Nakamaru.

"Fujiwara -- I have come for you!"  The twisted ninja's voice was rife with 
promised violence.  "You will pay for the dishonor you brought me!"

Fujiwara said nothing, knowing in his soul that he had not dishonored 
Nakamaru, he had done all that on his own.  His silence told Nakamaru 
himself the same.

Seibei Fujiwara drew his own sword and prepared to be cut down.  He knew 
that greater honor lay in dying in the service of his masters than in 
defeating Nakamaru, but was also prepared for victory.  Should he prevail 
here he would deliver this last burger and return the head of Nakamaru to 
the dojo.

Fujiwara charged into battle with Nakamaru without hesitation, as was the 
correct way and the night air was charged with the sounds of their conflict. 
Fujiwara was aware that this was not a battle between honorable men.  He 
expected everything and thus was prepared when Nakamaru, having blocked a 
cross body strike drew a short blade from the haft of his katana and flicked 
it with deadly accuracy towards his head.

Nakamaru was expecting to at least distract Fujiwara with the short knife, 
and if possible even blind his other eye with the blade -- in much the same 
way he had defeated and escaped him before.  Nakamaru was surprised however 
to see Fujiwara mistakenly turn his face away from the blade a fraction of a 
second too late.  It plunged into Fujiwara's blind eye and he fell dead.

Nakamaru was elated.  He thought there might have to be a protracted battle, 
trickery, feints within feints, but this was too easy.   Seconds after he 
fired his first arrow at Fujiwara, the man had fallen to a simple ploy.  It 
clearly demonstrated his superiority over the fallen Fujiwara and his 
superiority over Ninja Burger.  Nakamaru rested on his good leg, in the 
crane posture, savoring the victory and looking out over Queens.

Perhaps he would open his own delivery service -- a Ninja Pizza perhaps, and 
wrest control of the city from the fools at the Ninja Burger.

It was Izumi Nakamaru's last thought.  A silvery flash of tempered steel and 
Nakamaru died with a surprised look in his eyes.

His head rolled in a lazy semi circle coming to rest against Fujiwara's 
foot.  Seibei Fujiwara stood over the body of his foe, and plucked the knife 
from the socket of his now freely bleeding blind eye.  He wiped the blade 
clean on the weak and foolish ninja's chest and cleaned his own blade before 
sheathing it.

From his belt he pulled a delivery bag and placed Nakamaru's head in it.  He 
glanced once at the stars above as he placed a bandage over the gaping and 
ruined socket of his already blind eye noting that this had cost him 
precious minutes He had only 6 minutes left to cross another eight long 
blocks to make the 30 minute cut-off for delivery.

Plenty of time for a ninja.

p.s. - I love NINJA-BURGER!!!

Date: Mon, 12 Mar 2001 16:38:12 +0000 (GMT Standard Time)
From: He-Who-Walks-In-Light-As-Shadow [infiltrator@***********.com]
Subject: The way of sustenance

Gassho Rei!

	Long have I travelled on the paths of the enlightened Dragon, 
hidden from the eyes of even the secret masters, by nothing but their 
own gaze.  I have moved in the seven prescribed ways, and studied in 
depth the five truths.

	Even so, I do not sing my praises, for all I have learnt is how 
I may be nothing, and of nothingness.  To move without moving, to see 
without looking, to know even without knowing - this is the true path.  
And yet you must both walk the path, and spurn it.  I have returned to 
this world for one reason alone - none here are strong enough to count 
themselves my enemy, and none here are wise enough to count themselves 
my ally.  I have returned from the celestial library, wherefrom I stole 
the following text:

	"Of the 12 harmonies we have yet not mentioned 3.  Of these 2 
are hidden, as the wind is hidden from the deepest earth.  Of the 
other, only the most foolish openly speak, for the vengance upon those 
who presume to speak loud the ways of BurgerDo is terrible indeed.

	The way of the Burger.  BurgerDo.  An art now thought lost, as 
six of the seven most high masters took the secret to their graves, and 
the seventh ventured into the mountains of the moon, and has not been 
seen for over a hundred lifetimes.  It is rumoured that this art 
allowed the adept to perform wonders beyond the spheres of man, and 
animal, even to reach the sphere of the heavens.  To leap above 
castles, and vanish behind a cloud.  To cut the blades of opponents 
with their blades, and even to use napkins or polypropalene wrapping to 
cut through thick stone walls, given only a moment to focus their Chi."

Would this lost art be in any way related to NinjaBurger?  I would be 
gladdened to hear of it's survival, should you care to relate the tale. 
If you do not wish to inform me of the history of NinjaBurger, all you 
have to do is not think about it during the time you've been reading 
this Email.

Ah.  Thankyou.

"Little wind blowing
Smaller still is my passing
Through shadows embrace"

Date: Fri, 16 Mar 2001 21:53:14 -0500
From: Fleeting Shadow <********>
Subject: humble servant submits account of his most recent delivery

Here master, is attached the account of my latest delivery. (i am so 
stealthy, you did not even know you employed me!)  but i thought my humble 
accomplishments would bring master pleasure.

	Blacker than the hearts of the evil Samurai Burger cooks, is the cloak
of the ninja.  Slipping through the alleyways, he races silently towards his
destination.  So stealthy is his passing, that he did not even leave ripples
in the puddles of the alley.  Before he is seen by those on the streets, he
scales the wall of the building next to him.  He checks his watch, he has
twenty minutes, plenty of time to spare.  On the roof, he leaps across the
street to the next building.  Running from roof to roof, he is no more than
a passing thought, no one notices, or even believes there could be such
things as ninjas, so stealthy are they.  He is a shadow, a patch of liquid
darkness, he is one with the burger, he is ninja.

	Now he found himself in the residential area of the suburbs.  Avoiding
streetlights, he took advantage of the expensively landscaped lawns, and all
of the shrubbery to easily slip past the houses full of happily dining
families.  Except one house, that house, was his mission.  he had accepted
the mission, knowing full well the danger it implied.  But thus was the way
of the ninja, he laughed at danger.  Silently of course.

	Nearing the house which he was to deliver to, he heard a car coming,
looking back, he realized it was a pizza delivery man.  Damn, he thought, he
had to stop that car, it was heading towards his house!  The customers must
not get pizza first, ninja reputation, not to mention life is on the line!
Grabbing some caltrops, he flung them into the road.  When the cars tires
hit the sharp metal spikes, they were punctured, the car, going to fast,
(those impatient gaijin fools)slid out of control, and hit a telephone pole.
Quickly, he dispatched the semi-conscious driver, and slipped back into the
night.  His delivery was safe now.

	But the distraction cost time, he had only seven minutes to get to the
house!  Using the confusion the crash created, he was able to avoid the
citizens of the street he was delivering to.  Easily he flipped over the
fence, as he faced it for a second during the somersault, he tossed a pouch
of ninja powder into the doghouse, incapacitating the dog there.  He landed
and immediately jumped again, this time landing on the roof with all the
noise of a feather landing.  Then he heard a squeak behind him.

	Reacting instantly, he drew a shuriken from a hidden pouch, and flung it
at the source of the noise.  the squirrel was lucky to have escaped with its
life, it would never interfere  with his deliveries again though.  Reaching
down to a window, he found unlocked.  Ah ha, good customers, they might
survive.  Master told story about what happens to customers that do not pay.
Hey, you don't like it?  try being the ninja that has to do it.  He jumped
through the window, landing noiselessly on the floor, alert, and looking for
threats, none, not even a hamster.  hey, hamsters can be deadly, you don't
know until you have been cornered by and angry hamster.  It happened to me
in training once, i don't want to talk about it.

	Seeing no one around, he slid down the stairs, depositing the two #2
combo in the  living room, he slipped backwards out, careful not to upset
the chi of the customers, merely feet away in the dining room, idly
speculating about if the ninja would be forced to commit seppuku.  Checking
his watch, two minutes to spare, he had made it in time, customers might
think differently, never knowing when ninja arrived, but the master knew, he
always knew.  The ninja smiled behind his mask as he began his journey back
to the dojo.  Master would be pleased.

If you should need me
Just call toll-free 1-800
ninja burger yum

Date: Wed, 11 Apr 2001 22:34:59 EDT
From: ******
Subject: Ninja Story!

The ninja leader motioned for a ninja to go to the left and one to the
right, the third to stay with him. All were members of a Burgerjitsu school,
sneering at the Burgerdo schools. The man who had placed the unusually large
NinjaBurger order (25 double burgers, 18 fries-of-our-ancestors, seven
Onions-of-death, BUT NO COLA! Also, last time he ordered, the WASABI
REMAINED UNEATEN!) Very suspicious, and an insult to his honor. . .and this
was SamuraiBurger territory. SO they were being extra-cautious. He froze,
and all the ninja became motionless. He noticed a suspicius form through the
window. Aha! He moved! The two characteristic swords were stuck into the
figures belt. He motioned to the ninja, and they lept, cat-like, to the
roof. The leader used a hand mirror to count the number of samurai in each
room. Eight, total. He signaled to the other ninja, telling them the plan.
The leader dropped into the room, behind the samurai. He crept up silently,
and readied the silk-covered chain he kept ready on his wrist. He leapt and
strangled the unsuspecting samurai, gently lowering him to the floor. He
dragged the body out of sight, noting that by now, the other ninja have hit
their targets. The leader unfolded the bow strapped to his back, and nocked
an arrow.he rolled into the hallway, firing an arrow through another
samurai's voicebox, but not killing him. The leader ran swiftly up and
finished him with a poison tipped dagger. Whirling around, he threw the
dagger at a third samurai who rushed into the hall to see what was going on.
It caught him in the ear canal, penetrating the brain and killing him
instantly. The Leader could hear the sounds of a swordfight in a room down
the hall. He ran silently to the door, and carefully looked in. A ninja and
the last samurai were engaged in a to-the-death match. The ninja was using
the katana from a dead samurai that was in the room. The other ninja ran up,
but the leader stopped them from interfering. He knew that the young knija
must finish this himself. Suddenly, the samurai performed a complicated
twisting manuver and slit the ninja's belly. Suddenly, three shriken sproted
from the samurai's neck, thrown by the remaining ninja. Then they roamed the
house, looking for the man who had placed the order. They found him, hiding
under his bed.Then the ninja crucified him, upside-down, in his front yard,
as a warning to the neighborhood.

Don't mess with NinjaBurger!

Haruyasa Inaba

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