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Ninja Burger Employee Manual

You probably already know that all Ninja Burger ninja employees are trained in the 20 secret Ninja Juhakkei, as well as the dreaded Two-Spatula Style. But there's a lot more to it than that, and that's where this employee manual comes in.

However, unlike most employee manuals, this manual is not written for employees. It is written by employees. Because of this, Ninja Burger takes no responsibility for any death, dismemberment or embarassment which may occur from the use of this manual as a guide for your behavior or actions, on or off the job. Not that we would take any responsibility for any of that even if we had written it, mind you.

Currently, the Ninja Burger Employee Manual contains:

by Himura Kenshin

Ninjitsu as revealed herein is essentially a pragmatic art. It will employ any technique from any source which will serve its purpose. It strives always to be one with the natural order of things. This is the true meaning of passing without leaving a trace. It is said that the Ninja can walk through walls; that when they are looked for, they cannot be seen; when listened for, they cannot be heard; and when they are felt for, they cannot be touched. A Ninja never swaggers-his gait is firm and straight ahead. He neither makes a show of force, nor beats his own drum. This is known as Mugei-Mumei-No-Jitsu, "no name, no art." A Ninja does not surrender peaceably, nor does he carry on his person documents which might implicate his superiors. The Ninja acts alone, relying on his own ability. He is one with himself. What will happen in one's life is already written, but one must choose to be there. The way that can be told is not the eternal cannot be explained or defined, it can only be experienced. This is the Way of Ninjitsu.

Origin of the Ninja
by G.T. Karber of

The belief that Ninja originated in ancient Japan as mercenaries and assassins is totally false. Untrue. A myth. A stupid conviction developed by the lazy in order to avoid doing any research short of asking your next door neighbor, "Yo! What's a ninja?" to which they will usually respond, "Ancient Japanese mercenary and assassin!" They should ban free speech solely on the fact that it caused some people think that ninja(s) are Japanese. (Although even I, the knowledgeable scholar and great historian, am not sure if the plural of ninja is ninjas or ninja.)

True, the last remaining school of ninjutsu is in Japan, but hey, that's the same as the last remaining, the same as, err... well I can't think of anything that compares with it, but the point is that stuff like that happens. People move from one place to another based on climate, profit, and the amount of "Once a Year Sales" the area runs. The first ninja actually got his start in America in the 1300s.

It was at a poker game. More specifically, a long poker game, and even more specifically, a nine day long poker game. Anywho, Jack San and his friend were betting only ten cents on each game (So neither of them would lose much and they could still keep their friendship.) After two days Jack had last thirty-six thousand dollars and sixty cents.

Not knowing what trick to play, but knowing that whatever trick it was he most likely couldn't pay for it, Jack pulled out a sword and started hacking at the table. Then he ran away as fast as possible. The true art of the ninja: hit and run. (That is why some ninja(s) are often confused with drunk drivers.)

He later came back when he realized that they had been playing with his deck. He grabbed it, hacked up the table a few more times for good measure, and then ran away as fast as possible.

And so he was the first ninja.

Ninja Dating Tips
by Bonnie "ninja dating queen" Burton of and
(Originally published on

The ninja is one of the hardest types of guys to date. These fellas love to assassinate politicians and scale buildings in the dead of night. But beware, behind that rough exterior is a secretive, silent "I'm never going to admit to you that I'm petrified of clowns" type. So here's a few pointers on how to woo your favorite ninja:

  • The Death Touch does not count as foreplay.
  • Don't be startled if he shows up in the middle of the night either wounded, or looking rather flustered. This is how all ninjas appear when they get home from a long day of ninjaing.
  • Forget about asking a lot of questions about his personal life. Apparently, that's a security risk. Just be content knowing that he isn't seeing other ninjaettes.
  • Get used to that old master guy hanging around the apartment. He's there to stay. You'll realize soon enough that your ninja boyfriend must pass all decisions by his master. The Master is just like a judgmental mother-in-law, only he's an old man who keeps calling your boyfriend "Grasshopper," and you "Bitchy-san."
  • Remind him that throwing stars (shurikens) are not romantic gifts. Neither are nunchukas, sais, bokkens or kakutes.
  • When you ask him "Is that a sword or are you just happy to see me," it's a sword.
  • Be supportive. Even when he decides to fight 10 bad guys at once. If you roll your eyes and cast doubt on his ninja abilities, he's gonna get all paranoid and mess up.
  • Don't pretend to know any martial arts just to impress him. You never know when he'll decide to test your ninja knowledge. And then you'll end up looking awfully silly writhing on the floor in pain.
  • Just because he can be all stealthy, doesn't mean he'll agree to pick up a box of tampons for you on his way home from work. Ninjas embarrass easily.
  • Ninjas don't like to be tickled. Ever.
  • Generating psychic powers in order to mask one's presence is one thing, but don't let him pretend he's not there when you ask him why he went to the Radiohead concert with his ex-girlfriend instead of you.
  • Humming the song "Kung Fu Fighting" will not instantly make your boyfriend frisky.

Food Fighting
by Blaise Telcontar
Ways to kill a man (or woman) with a spatula

  1. Drive the thin, flat end into their throat (works even better if you sharpen spatula)
  2. Swift blow to the place the neck joins the skull, striking with the end of the handle.
  3. Force the wide end down their throat (takes time)
  4. Strike a rising blow with the handle, landing on the area between nose and mouth.
  5. Drive handle into their temple.
  6. Stike on the diaphragm, repeat until person suffocates.
  7. Place across throat and use to strangle.

Food fighting
  1. Hurl cayenne pepper or chili powder in opponent's eyes.
  2. Distill caffine out of much coffee, use as poison.
  3. Coconuts make good bludgeons
  4. Peach pits and apple seeds contain cyanide
  5. Place full soda cans on their sides where target will step, they will slip and fall.
  6. Tuna cans are excellent holders for dust bomb initiators.
  7. Flour can be used as a dust explosive.
  8. Mustard in the eyes really hurts.
  9. Take the seeds in a chili pepper, grind, mix with alcohol, and distill, pepper spray.

Other ways to use food for ninja ways
Carl Flynn

  1. A well done, burnt hamburger patty makes a great shuriken.
  2. Ketchup and mustard squirt behind you when in pursuit by evil samurai, makes a great film used for slipping people.
  3. The seeds from a hamburger bun can be thrown into someone's eyes.
  4. The carbonation from soda can really hurt someone's eyes.
  5. When overcooked, Onion Rings can be used as a distraction when thrown.
  6. Overcooked french fries can be used as throwing knives.

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